The touch, the shallowness, the contradiction

Right now, I am lost for words. There is this heart warming feeling that I am feeling now which I cannot put in words.

I think I am slowly losing the ability to express myself with words. Looking at the entries in this blog, I feel as if I am losing the touch by each entry. I loved my Xanga blog because I think I wrote better there but I deleted it a few days ago for it was filled with many sad entries. Looking back, I think it might be a mistake to do that. Now, the root to my ability to play around with words had been chopped off.

I feel a little lost for not being to reminisce, not being able to admire or even refer to them anymore.

More wordy entries would be posted here as I see a need to regain the touch. I need to express myself with words. I need those vocabs back in me. It is important to me.

The day I am not able to express myself in any form, is the day my heart dies.

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I can be really shallow sometimes. I dare not say that everyone could be too but I am pretty sure I am not the only one.

Sometimes I let materials take over my mind. At the end of the day, I’ld look back and think. Then I would blame myself for that because materials are only materials afterall. Like I have said before, they only bring short-term happiness. Okay. I sometimes still let that happen, but thats not the point. Lalalalala…

Then I sometimes get carried away by my irrational mind and forget to put myself in other people’s shoes. After spurting hurtful words, I would later regret and blame myself for being inconsiderate. Being considerate is one of the most important facet through my eyes because by being inconsiderate, one can hurt the feelings of one’s loved ones. That is the last thing I would want to do.

I used to enjoy fame and popularity(which had long dimmed exceptionally). That, in my opinion, is a worse habit compared to being obsessed with materials. It was when gossips fill the sky and critics overflow the sea(not from me lah). Fortunately, I havent done anything that I should be shameful of.

I have deeply felt that by being popular or possessing many sought after materials or hurt the person whom have hurt(with words only, such as scolding or being sarcastic) me in return, does make me happy(yea I was happy for a moment when I bought my branded bags but no, I dont feel it now). Whats really happy is simply just be happy. Sounds like bullcrap and you probably wont understand it right now but when you experience it, you will go “oohh…so thats how it feels…”

I guess we should all just be thankful and see things for a happier angle. That is one of the things The Guy had make me see. I am sorry for all the mocking, baby but I have to say it one more time. He and I might be apart now and I could be sad and grumpy and all but we should be thankful that we are both healthy and safe to be able to spend time with each other(virtually for now…)

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I know there are a lot of contradictions in the second part of this entry. But thats life, isnt it?

Okay. I strayed alot in this entry. Do excuse me. Aiyer. Now I feel like I wrote a lot of crap. :((( Dont care. Still gonna post it. Bleh.

Ta.