I urm have a few questions need to be answered and I would like to hear it from the guys. Dont be shy okay. We’re all grown ups! :p

1) Do you guys get turned on by uniforms?

2) Whats kind of uniforms?

3) Do u think that its a fetish?

No. It has nothing to do with my personal liking. So dont go let your imagination run wild!

the arch of your eyes when you smile…
the tip of your nose brushing mine…
the texture of your lips on mine…

the broad shoulder of yours which I lean on all the time…
the strong arms of yours which held me so tight…
the smooth fingers of yours entwined with mine…

the security of your presence wherever we went…
the sensation of your touches…
the smell of your jacket…

your breathe when you whispered in my ear…
your voice when you told me that you love me…
your laughters when I did something foolish…

In short, I miss you…

I often wonder what would I do if I gain 10kgs of weight in a very short period. I’ld probably jump out of the window from 10th floor. I am not thin now but gaining 10kgs will make me weight 57kgs.

I would have to face the fear of not being able to fit into any of my clothes, not being able to wear really skimpy outfit(when i have the mood), will have to watch what I eat and etc! My stomach would be so big that I wont be able to see my toes!

My self confidence is almost hitting the floor now. If I gained 10kgs of extra weight, I wont get out of the house no more. I wont be able to face people. They’ll go “wah…u gained weight!”, “did i get thinner or did u gain weight?” etc etc. How can one stand such cruel statements?

I often complaint that I am fat. But after seeing some of my friends’(whom have gained lots of weight) recent pictures, I felt guilty for complaining. Althought I am not exactly slim, I should be thankful that I am not overweight.

But if I continue to eat they way I eat now, I am sure I’ll be like them soon. I start to get hungry 2 hrs after my meal. Then I’ll munch non stop on junk food(if i have any near me) until the next meal. Someone stop me from eating >.<

I hate telling lies. It makes me feel very guilty. I cannot lie to my mum because I can never pass my conscience. But of course, once in a while I do tell pleasant lies. They are still lies but they dont harm and I dont tell them for my own good.

All these years I have been quite proud of this virtue that I have. But I have just realised that I have been telling a big fat lie for years. A lie which I havent notice.

I have been lying to myself for years. I am not sure if its a pleasant lie because it does not good nor any harm. What is it that I have been lying to myself? For the past few years I have been telling myself that I should thankful that I can get things that I want easily and have been leading a good life. I have been telling myself that my life is a happy one and it is not abnormal.

The sad truth is my life can never be normal again as long as my past haunts me. I might have things that I want but I feel like I have nothing at all. The emptiness in me cannot be filled by materials. I am never a materialistic kind of person. I can give up anything for my dreams, my hopes and my beliefs anytime.

All these years, I have been telling myself that I was no longer trapped within the shell which I put myself in to keep problems and people away from me. But as time passes, the picture only gets clearer. I cannot avoid them. They are my responsibilities and I have to face them the way I should. And I did. But doing that only makes my life more meaningless.

I dont feel the chill and satisfaction when I do the things I like, anymore. Even speeding cannot take sorrow away anymore. The feeling of chasing the wind no longer seems appealling to me.

I am only doing things which I should do in my life now. Not things which I want to do and I have been leading this kind of life for almost a decade. Maybe the big fat lie did help. It helped me by pushing me to walk further down the path of my life. Now that I’ve discovered that I have being lying to myself, I am sure the path will only gets steeper.

I went out wearing my baju inside out.

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And I thought people looked at me for a different reason.

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*throws the baju away*

So I called the wrong clinic and demanded for my blood test report for three times. Big deal! Cant blame me right…Visited two clinics on the same day >.<

First time :

Me : Hello. I would like to check if my blood test report is ready.
Nurse : Whats your name?
Me : Valentina.
Nurse : Hang on ya.

Nurse : Whats your surname?
Me : Kueh.
Nurse : Its not ready yet. Can you call again tomorrow?
Me : Sure. Thanks.

Second time(next day)

Me : Hello. I would like to check if my blood test report is ready.
Nurse : Whats your name?
Me : Valentina.
Nurse : Hang on..

Nurse : Whats your surname?
Me : Kueh. (…)
Nurse : When did you come arh?
Me : Urm..Last Thursday.
Nurse : Hrm. Try calling tomorrow. I cant find your report here yet.
Me : Okay. Thanks.

Third time

Me : Hello. I would like to check if my blood test report is ready.
Nurse : Whats your name?
Me : Valentina.
Nurse Hang on ya.

Nurse : Whats ur surname?
Me : Kueh (!!!)
Nurse : WHen did you come arh?
Me : Last Thursday.
Nurse : Hang on.

Nurse : You havent done any blood test here lah.
Me : Hrm? No no. There must be a mistake. I still have the receipt.
Nurse : But we dont have any record here. What time did you come on last Thursday?
Me : *Thinks……Owh Shytz. Wrong clinic!* Sorry sorry. I think I made a mistake.
Nurse : That explains. Haha..
Me : Haha….Sorry. Thanks a lot.
Nurse : You’re welcome. Bye.

Hrm. I dont know what to say. Its partially the nurse’s fault okay! She told me that its not ready and asked me to call the next day! Anyway, got my report and everything was find. Weez!

So in my previous post I mentioned that I got some pills from a doctor, which she calimed could help me sleep. She told me they are not sleeping pills but merely something which can help me sleep better.

Doc : Remember…take the pills 8 hrs before you sleep.
Me : Har? Take the pills 8 hrs before I sleep?
Doc : yea.
Me : 8 hrs before I sleeepp?
Doc : *nods*

So I got home and decided that its about time I get some good sleep. I popped the pills at 5.45pm, hoping that I could hit the sack before midnight. I had a leisure plan for that nite :

6pm : Savour the pizza I order.
6.30pm - 8.30pm : watch tv
8.30pm - 9.30pm : do accounting assignment(due the next day)

and go to bed by midnight. Sounds good eh? As I was waiting patiently for my pizza to arrive, my room started to spin. Every tiny movement from my head sent the room spinning like a merry-go-round. “I thought the doc said 8 hours!, I thought to myself”. I was a little freaked out as she didnt tell me that I’ld feel dizzy after taking the pills.

The pizza arrived minutes later. I quickly made my way to the door and ran into the wall while doing so(not very hard-lah). I was really hungry and at the same time, dizzy. But the pizza just arrived wor…hot and fresh…should eat a little bit righttt? So I shoved two slices of pizza down and went straight to bed. My plan for the nite was screwed =(

I ended up waking up a wee bit past midnite and started to my accounting assignment. Missed my show and had to munch on not-so-fresh pizza later =(

Am still thinking if I should give the pills a second try, as I still have three of them. Shall I?! Gosh.

Troublemaker or problem-solver?

Got my appendix removed when I was 6.
Got my the nerve in my right foot twisted when I was about 8 and it still hurts now.
Got my digest system screwed when I was 13.
Had weird little lumps in my throat and had to swallow this tube with camera through my nose when I was 14. (forgot what happened to the lumps)
Had kidney infection when I was 15.
Suffering from migrane since I was 16.
Got my ear infected when I was 17.

Had my body check two years ago and it said my cholestrol was high. Went to see a doctor just now and she said my blood pressure is low. Told her I have problems sleeping and she gave me some pills. Got my blood taken for a blood test and I will not be surprised if the result came out bad.

It was funny when the doctor kept telling me to shut my eyes or look elsewhere when he took my blood cause I looking and didnt even blink as he inserted the needle into my arm.

The needle was nothing compared to the injection I had in my ear when I was 17. The needle was big and its body was made of steel. I could hear my skin and flesh gave way as the needle made its way into my ear. It was painful.

I remember my mum holding my my hands as I was wheeled into the operation room when I was 6. I told her I was scared. She told me not to worry as she and my dad will me watching me. I trusted her. I remember turning my head around and saw the door closing and my parents’ figure disappearing. I still believed that they were watching me though. Staring at the enormous lights above me was not fun. The tools, the machines and the doctors dressed in green. I felt like a tiny ant about to be squashed. I heard a doctor counting and I was sound asleep when he reached 5.

Screwing up my digest system was equally painful with the kidney infection. Both caught me offguard and left me lying down, unable to move a muscle. I could not even talk, as any movement will cause a big wave of pain in my body. Imagine the amount of pain I suffered when I get in and out of the car to see a doc. Buhz.

My foot. Its one troubling limp. It aches whenever it likes and send me falling down wherever it likes. So if you see me fall, dont laugh! Go awww…. and come help me up. Hehehe…

v_(^.-)_v

I am missing you this very moment..
Just like any other moment since I have met you..
How long has it been since you left?
It feels like decades although it has only been a month.

You picked me out of the mess I was in..
Although not in reality,
But with you, every problem seems so small..
So small that they do not matter.

Although thousand miles apart,
Despite the time difference,
We will stay strong..
As our hearts beat as one.

You constantly tell me how wonderful I am..
How amazing things have been after we got together..
You see something in me which other people dont see..
You brought the best out of me.

It is not easy..
As everything I see,
Everywhere I go,
Reminds me of you, of the sweet memories we have had.

Distance is not a matter,
Time is not a matter,
As I will wait patiently…
To see you again in real life and not in my dreams…

This is for you, Chung Fui. It is not very well written…I hope you can feel what I am trying to tell you. Still missing you =)